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Leadership Developer •
Coach & Facilitator • Writer
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Welcome to the July 2025 Newsletter
So my
pink foxgloves and stunning orange geums flourish,
while world events seem to get more chaotic and harsh. And
so it goes. This learning to live with both destruction and
life, with creation and things dying, with joy and with fear,
disappointment and hope ... it gets no easier does it!
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A bit of a
bumpy month for me - and I've been learning just how much
I'm attached to things being a certain way and taking for
granted that the things I have set up will stay that way.
A good set of lessons to learn - albeit not very
comfortable!
A slightly skinnier Newsletter this month, with:
- three models that really support teams and leaders to
have the honest conversations they're not having,
and doing so with deep care
- a way to explore how our early years shape us into the
people (leaders, coaches, consultants etc) that we've become, and
how we 'see the world as we are, not as it is'
- the value of working with constellations in coaching
With deep appreciation for you being here, and for encouraging me
in what I do - your lovely feedback keeps me
going! I'll see you again in August when the world
will still be on fire and we will still be doing whatever we can
to keep ourselves and each other healthy and sane.
With love
Helena x
(pic: Maria Shell)
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Having
Honest Conversations
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'If you're not properly resourced to deal with
conflict, then you're not actually well suited to be a manager'.
That's from this episode of the Radical
Candour podcast. Feel there's truth in that?
Well, when introduced to Lencioni's 5 Dysfunctions Of A Team, a
really accessible way to get a team talking about
themselves, most teams will say they struggle with conflict - by
which they mean their ability and confidence to be straight
talking with each other, to speak directly about what they think
and feel. And it's usually for a combination of
reasons - they don't have the language at their fingertips, they
don't know how to do it well or skilfully,
they're afraid of saying something that will provoke a
reaction in the other person/people. Underpinning much of
this is fear - including fear at the thought of
delivering an honest message and perhaps getting some honesty
back too. As a result, many things go unsaid.
Not everything needs be said, of course. But when there is
something, one model that's pretty good at helping with this
is Kim Scott's Radical Candour framework. I'm working with
two clients at the moment where we're using this model as the
backbone of a leadership development programme. And we're
discovering that it's a bit tardis-like - there are so many
places we can go from the model. So this clip and this one are both good and
short intros, if you don't know it already.
And a second model that really helps people get
into the right-hand quadrant of having conversations with both
Care and Directness is Gervase Bushe's Experience Cube (there's
a more comprehensive pdf available from Bushe himself if you
google it - I just couldn't seem to create a link to it
here). Having people triage the muddle of stuff that's
in their heads into Observations, Thoughts, Feelings and
Wants tends to bring a clarity that they find helpful, not only
for when they're preparing for an honest conversation or
one that they're finding difficult in some way. I use
it myself a lot when I'm trying to make sense of any situation
I'm finding tricky or messy - it's a self coaching tool as
much as anything.
(pic: Ben Gozian)
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Constellations
in coaching
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This week, in the
final coaching session with a client, we were exploring
perfectionism and how it was really getting in their way. We'd
got to a place where they could identify the 'shoulds' of their
perfectionism as having their father's voice. I found
myself saying: well,
how do you feel about trying something out with me - it might not
reveal anything new, it might not 'work' for you - but are you up
for giving something a go?
Then we did a short constellations-style ritual, eyes closed
and cameras off, that included the client:
- talking to perfectionism and thanking it for its gifts over
their lifetime
- telling perfectionism - firmly and clearly - that they weren't
willing to be held back by it any longer, as they had been so far
- having a conversation with their father where, with reverence
and love, they 'gave back' elements of the perfectionism
that no longer served them - and watched as their father accepted
this with understanding.
Did it 'work'? Depends what you mean by that. But did
it provide new insight, new perspective and a more compassionate
approach to their perfectionism? It did, and we both
considered that as 'working'.
So first, huge respect for clients who are willing
to play and experiment with their coach, in this case with
practices adapted from systemic constellations. And
then also a deep bow to the work - and field - of systemic
constellations. I trained mostly with The Whole Partnership, it
brought me such riches. And if you want to focus
specifically on its applications for coaching, then take a
look at John Whittington's training
- a friend of mine has just finished that programme and says
it was knockout.
(pic: Clare Youngs)
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We
Lead Out Of Who We Are
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We lead out of who we are
We see the
world as it is and not as we are
We coach from
our own autobiography
Often at the
beginning of a new coaching relationship, I might ask someone to
complete a Lifeline exercise where they work through their life,
identifying highs and lows across their life, and the
key events or people or places that have shaped them into who
they are today. Sometimes I might invite them to include the
time before their birth, post conception and into the first year
of their life. This perinatal period is seen as being
particularly influential on how we evolve..
Sometimes we use this activity in the first session to create a
foundation, sometimes we might dig it out when we explore
'and is there anything in this current situation than has
resonance from the past?'.
I googled a couple of examples, and you might like to try this one that has a
good explanation and detail of how to complete the activity.
(pic: Fumi Imamura)
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'Life shrinks
and expands in proportion to one's courage'
Anais Nin
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‘Love is that micro-moment of warmth and
connection that you share with another living being’
‘Love is
connection’
‘Love blossoms
virtually any time two or more people - even strangers –
connect over a shared positive emotion be it mild or strong’
All of
these quotes are from social psychologist Barbara
Fredrickson. Some of what we do in The Love Lab is test out
Fredrickson's ideas - that love can be found in the connections
between strangers, and these connections become kindling for
something much bigger. Come and play and see for yourself?
It's on Friday 28 Nov, in central London, and full details plus
the link to book are HERE. This
is the fourth or even fifth time of running this event - and it
remains one of the highlights of my year.
(pic: Rebecca Suzanne Haines)
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'Try to keep
things as normal as possible, until they become abnormal'
John
Crace
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Acts
of Love for Tough Times
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In June,
I had to cancel my beloved Acts of Love workshop because a
puzzling virus just wouldn't shift. And so here we are with
a new date for it and I hope you'll be able to join me.
We're going to be drawing on the work of Barbara Fredrickson and
her wonderful book Love 2.0, where she sees
love not as something long term and abiding, but something
momentary and chemical that arises between two people and just as
easily falls away. Love-as-connection is our theme.
The link to book is HERE.
(pic:
Annie Hemond Hotte)
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For Those Who
Stand Against Tyrants
There are still your
stories, still stars
in the pine
trees. There are still children
making their
way back from school, trying
not to step on
cracks in the sidewalk,
believing it
matters. There are still mothers
kneeling in the
ruins, promising
the gunshots
aren't coming.
There are still
fathers
alone in the
night, the wounds in them
like mule-dee
in the orchards, trying not
to clack their
antlers. There is still
the heart, the
moon.
Come, loves,
let's stand here
after
madness. The world
is not over,
only broken.
There are old
books, there are horses
in the lemon
trees. There are children, still,
waiting in the
classrooms, looking up
with tired eyes
full of wonder.
Look at
them. There is work we have to do.
Joseph Fasano
(pic:
Angela Smyth - especially love this - it's called Dancing Through
It All)
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A virus
means more time reading in bed. And so ...
...loved All Fours from Miranda July
and well as West by Carys
Davies. And Sally Rooney's Intermezzo was also pretty
good. Assumption from Percival
Everett less so. And tried the first 6 pages of Sarah Perry's
latest, Enlightenment, and just
couldn't get on with it - so it's back on the shelf for a second
attempt somewhere down the line.
The Trading Game from Gary
Stevenson was a gripping, rollicking read made easier to
understand through watching all of Industry over the last few
years.
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Like
many folks in my line of work, things feel a lot quieter than
recent years. Not at all surprising given UK and world
events. Nevertheless, still a lovely portfolio of work,
including:
- lots of coaching, and coaching supervision
- getting close to the end of my Leading from Love programme with
a global charity where we explore all sort of ways that love
might be a part of leadership
- three action learning groups online - two with a manufacturing
client and the other with a group of senior Civil Servants
- prepping with colleagues for some workshops coming up
And work-but-not-work, doing some straightforward revisions in
order to resubmit my completion assignment for one of my end-of-life
doula trainings, and another set of less straightforward (of
course!!) revision for the Tavistock supervision
training.
(pic: Kiki Dwi)
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Please do forward this Newsletter on, if you know
others who might appreciate it. Otherwise, do let me have
any feedback or reactions - I love hearing from
you. You know where I am on LinkedIn, or connect via Email. Or call me of
course.
Helena x
helena@helenaclayton.co.uk
07771 358
881
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